Seeing your elders get older can be a special kind of emotional turmoil. Sometimes it is hard to accept that you are not the only person still 'growing up'. Our parents, and our grandparents are getting old too. I just wish I could freeze time just for a little bit. 

My last remaining grandparent passed away last Wednesday. It was not sudden but it stings just as bad. My grandmother had Alzheimer's disease. She'd always been a super healthy lady, so I think she did the very best she could with her diagnosis and she remained the sweetest woman up until the very end. My grandma was 87. I am 28. 59 years apart in age but I still felt like Grandma was one of my best friends. I think one of the hardest part about her transitioning is suddenly remembering all the questions I wanted to try and ask her, or remembering what show I wanted to sit down and watch with her, or just talk about the memories we had together so I could hear her laugh. I really miss her voice already. 

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I've been struggling a bit with getting back into a normal, and healthy routine. My depression creeped up on me and got so bad, I wasn't even looking at myself in the mirror. I felt guilty looking at myself because when I did, my mind would just go to a nasty negative self talk session. But I got so tired and frustrated with being sick all the time, I finally managed to be motivated enough to start making changes again. You know how people say 'you should be proud of yourself!' when you've completed something pretty hard? Well I had to be that person for myself. I managed to call my therapist and psychiatrist. I was able to get my medication adjusted and we're not on day four of taking my medication consistently. Baby steps, right? The next thing I did was sign up for a gym. I know how cliché it sounds to sign up for the gym in January but  I don't care about clichés. I haven't been to anyone's gym in about three or four years but what I plan to accomplish with this membership is to just actually try and enjoy it. Sometimes that natural high those annoying pretentious fitness people talk about is just what I need. 

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I think one of the biggest things I miss from being younger is having the time to hang out with my close friends anytime I want to. All of my best friends used to live within 5-10 minutes of each other. Back then we also didn't have the major responsibilities of other personal relationships, careers, and other personal projects that take up our time. 
It's so funny (but also quite sad) how busy we all are now and how we have to really utilize calendars to fit us all in each others lives again.
When we do get the time together now, it's a great feeling that I don't take for granted anymore. And now with an ongoing pandemic, there are very few times we are all able to get together. 
This past Sunday, some of us were able to tap into our inner child and visit a corn maze. It was honestly really fun to just engage in simple seasonal pleasures and entertainment again with the ones you really care about. 

I think we need to be taught how to appreciate ourselves and love ourselves more. Women specifically are conditioned at a young age to please and take care of others while putting themselves second. We've also been taught (women and men) that our worth is put on external factors like how much money you make or how many followers you have. Obviously not everyone thinks these things determine their worth, but sometimes even these superficial things have a deeper affect on us the more they build up. 

I thought I would be more worthy of a person by getting two degrees. I thought my worth would go up when I would start getting better job offers because of my degrees. That did not happen. I didn't get more job offers and my sense of self worth was steadily declining. 

I wish I learned from a young age how to not internalize so much and give myself more grace before beating myself up first. We deserve to give ourselves more chances and we deserve to feel like we are worthy despite what is in our pockets or what we wear and who we know. 

​Enjoy me looking cute. 

It's actually been quite awhile since I picked up my camera and took photos for enjoyment. The last few years have been hard for me to express myself through art. I had been so caught up and under pressure to make money from my passion that it no longer brought me joy. I neglected to pick up my camera due to fear of not creating something outstanding and receiving satisfying instant gratification. I also have been so depressed and just 'out of wack' lately that when I looked at my camera, I just thought "what's the point?". 

Well the point is to keep doing it. But I know it's hard when you are sick and you cannot enjoy what used to bring you joy. So I have decided to go back to the basics. And hat is just me picking up my camera and shooting what ever I see and feel. Blogs help me compile these forms of expression to one place so I'm able to easily access them and my thoughts at that moment. 

For those who have supported my art for so many years, I continue to thank you for sticking around and seeing me. I hope new viewers will enjoy what I have to show you.